Just in the nick of time, welcome to HockeySpy.ca’s guaranteed** playoff predictions.
**Guaranteed unless they are wrong.
OTTAWA/CAROLINA: Carolina advances
Both Ottawa goalies stink. One (Linus Ullmark) is mentally soft, the other (James Reimer) is 100 years old and has a history of choking in the playoffs (confirmed by Maple Leafs’ fans everywhere). In addition, they have a captain (Brady Tkachuk) who would never be captain if his teammates had a say (due to his on-ice and off-ice idiocy). Their most skilled player (Tim Stützle) will—as usual—be auditioning for the Olympic diving team and whining at referees for not awarding Ottawa power plays (forgetting that NHL referees throw the rulebook away in the playoffs).
PHILADELPHIA/PITTSBURGH: Pittsburgh advances
Philadelphia’s postseason goal has already been achieved: showing up. Because their coach (Rick Tocchet) will be breathing fire throughout this series, the Flyers will undoubtedly try to run the Penguins out of the rink, which will likely backfire. The Flyers’ Trevor Zegras is at his most dangerous in shootouts—unfortunately absent in playoff hockey. Tocchet will blow a gasket every time Matvei Michkov forgets to backcheck, and Travis Konecny will be too busy chirping to notice there’s a puck on the ice. Meanwhile, savvy veterans named Sidney, Evgeni, Kris, and Erik will unleash their double-secret playoff power play to secure the series.
MONTREAL/TAMPA BAY: Tampa Bay advances
Montreal will abandon their skill game to prove they aren’t afraid of the nasty Lightning dudes. Multiple fights will ensue throughout the early part of the series. Tampa’s goalie is better than Montreal’s trio of unproven stoppers—even if all three played at once.
BOSTON/BUFFALO: Buffalo advances
Buffalo players will be motivated by massive civic pressure, realizing that more than 100,000 Sabres fans will commit suicide if the city endures yet another playoff flameout. The football Bills have already brought these supporters to the brink. Boston’s management has been getting major praise for the way they “retooled” their aging roster on the fly. Once they go down in five, those same talking heads will reverse course and mock the revised roster as a weak failure.
LOS ANGELES/COLORADO: Colorado advances
Like the Flyers, the Kings are simply thrilled their season didn’t end earlier. Had they been matched up against Edmonton for the fifth year in a row, they may have had a chance (based on the law of averages and the fact that the Oilers’ defensive-zone play is usually horrendous). Meanwhile, the Avalanche (what a ridiculous nickname) having played possum for the second half of the season, will likely turn it on and waltz through this series without breaking a sweat.
UTAH/LAS VEGAS: Utah advances
If the hockey gods are paying attention, it’s time to dish out some humble pie to the Golden Cheaters. When they aren’t manipulating the salary cap prior to the playoffs, they are firing their coach to cover up the fact that their GM couldn’t find a goalie capable of winning a playoff round. And of course, this is the time of year when Mitch Marner goes on vacation.
MINNESOTA/DALLAS: Dallas advances
If this were a UFC cage match, the Wild would go wild and win within a minute. The Foligno brothers would take turns beating the crap out of the Stars’ stars. But the hockey gods won’t let the always arrogant Wild GM, Bill Guerin, win a gold medal and a playoff round the same year. It will take more than 600 spin-o-rama plays from Quinn Hughes to see the Wild advance.
ANAHEIM/EDMONTON: Edmonton advances
Both teams can score. Neither team can defend. Expect scoring totals that make video games look realistic. Look for Connor “I’m really mad” McDavid to score while breaking the current land-speed record. Look for Radko “the butcher” Gudas to attempt to give McDavid the “Matthews” treatment and then apologize afterwards.
Take these predictions to the bank—and while you’re there, ask about a loan, just in case our advice completely drains your wallet.
